When I Fall in Love

(recommended soundtrack: http://youtu.be/HrXnXkDioS0)

When I fall in love… It will be forever…

Or I’ll never fall in love…

In a restless world…like this is…

Love is ended before it’s begun…

And too many moonlight kisses…

Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun…’

+

I’ve always loved this song ever since I heard it on the radio when I was a kid. It is a beautiful and romantic song yet the subliminal message of the fragility of love spoke volumes to me.

I told myself to be wise. I told myself to fall in love with the right person.

I told myself many things about love but when it came to the real deal…my heart ran off by itself and nothing went as planned.

+

Taeyeon was a beautiful girl, both on the inside and outside. Considerate, kind, caring, responsible, gentle, cute and a general dork at times, she never failed to cheer me up on a rainy day. We both enjoyed singing and many hours were spent at our favourite haunt where we would sing our afternoons away after school.

I’d never really questioned or analyzed our relationship before. To me, we were the best of friends. Period. However, that assumption of mine was challenged one day when she introduced her soon-to-be boyfriend to me.

+

Sica!’ Taeyeon grinned like a dork as she gestured towards the guy who was beside her. ‘This is Leeteuk!’

I gave him the once over like any self-respecting friend would. He seemed okay to me. We exchanged looks and I sent her the ‘he’s okay’ look which seemed to please her immensely. We had talked about the importance of having your friends like your boyfriend before and this was probably important to her.

We headed to our usual haunt to spend another afternoon singing together. However, it wasn’t quite the same this time. She was a little shy and instead of sitting right next to me, linking arms with me as usual, she sat nearer to him; their arms and thighs ‘accidentally’ brushing against each other ever so often.

There was a lump in my throat and my heart felt funny but I pushed my discomfort out of the way, wanting to have a good time. Unfortunately for me, their little discreet touches disturbed me in a way that I never thought possible and I didn’t quite know how to deal with it. I felt a burning desire to slap his hand away whenever he placed it on hers. My eyes stung from the sight of her blushing, pinkish cheeks; no doubt a result of his contact with her.

And that’s when I decided that I didn’t like this guy that much after all. He was nothing but a horny jerk who would take her heart and break it after he got what he wanted. Did I have any proof of that? No. That was simply my personal opinion of him at the end of the day.

+

She started to spend more time with him and less time with me. I had expected it to happen but it still hurt and I labelled him as the guy who ruined our friendship and that was when things between us got ugly.

+

You’re just jealous, aren’t you?’ Her eyes were reddening and brimming with tears.

I scoffed. ‘Ridiculous. Why would I be jealous?’

You don’t have a boyfriend and you’re not happy that I have one.’

Oh come on.” My tone was less than friendly at that point. “I couldn’t care less whether you have a boyfriend or not. Why should I care when you obviously don’t give a damn about our friendship?’ I yelled out the last sentence viciously at the top of my voice.

That’s not true!’ she protested, denying the accusations that I was hurling at her.

You know it’s true. You’ve been spending all your time with him and you don’t care about me anymore.’

I’m trying! I’m trying to make time for you Sica! I’m trying my best!’

I don’t think you’re trying at all. And I don’t need you totry.I’m not a beggar, begging you to spend time with me. I’m notthatpathetic! If you are a true friend, you’d have time for me. I don’t want the time that’s leftover from what he doesn’t take up.’

Sica…’ Her voice dropped and became apologetic. ‘I admit that I can’t spend that much time with you anymore but you have to understand… My boyfriend…he… is…’

He’s more important than me…right? I am just a friend…right? I’m just that person that you look for to copy homework and notes from when you miss classes to be with him.’

Sica…” She looked shocked to hear the angry things that I said. “You’re more than that to me. You know that.’

No…I don’t know that. I don’t know anything anymore.’

Sica…do you know how strange you are right now? You’re behaving as if…as if…’ She was at a loss as to what to say.

I bit my tongue. Was I acting strange? Wouldn’t all friends react like I did?

No…I’m not the strange one.Youare. You are the one who threw me aside the moment you found someone better.’

I did not throw you aside!’

You did. You know it. Don’t even try denying it.’

Guilt ripped my insides apart as soon as I saw her teardrops dripping down her snow-white cheeks. She was crying. I didn’t want to make her cry. That was never my intention.

Look, I’m sorry. Don’t cry Taeyeon-ah.’

I stepped forward to hug her but she stepped back, shaking her head vigorously.

I’m s…sorry,’ she uttered as more tears rolled down her pale, smooth cheeks. ‘I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I never meant to hurt you.’

And I suddenly felt as though I was an unruly, unreasonable jackass who made her cry.

Forget it,’ I said quietly. ‘I was just ranting that’s all. Don’t take it to heart.’

I stole a glance at my watch. It was getting late.

I need to head home for dinner. I’m sorry for yelling at you, Taeyeon-ah. See you in school tomorrow?’

She nodded sadly and I gave her a quick hug and left feeling as though I committed a heinous crime.

+

She didn’t turn up in school the next day and I was tasked by our teacher to bring homework to her. I didn’t really have a choice so I agreed to it reluctantly. I headed to her home – which was pretty close to mine – and rang the doorbell. I pressed it a couple of times before laughing at myself; her doorbell was broken, how could I have forgotten?

I knew that she had a spare key hidden in her sneakers so I fished it out and unlocked the door. I let myself in and placed her homework on her coffee table. However, as I turned to go, I heard some noises coming from her bedroom.

This was one of those moments when you sort of knew that you didn’t want to see what was behind the door yet you found yourself reaching for the doorknob. Oh, the self-destructive nature of human beings…and I was only being human when I opened the door.

I saw him hovering over her, their lips locked in a passionate kiss and his hands roaming about under her loose top. It felt as though someone had shot a poisoned arrow straight through my heart, leaving a scathing, bleeding hole in the middle of it. My eyes were scarred for life.

In that moment, I found out what it was like to have your heart broken. It was like glass that had fallen to the ground, shattered into a million pieces. It was like a vacuum had sucked all the life out of you, leaving you empty, hollow and utterly void. My heart was bleeding and I was certain that I was this close to having a heart attack.

I wanted to cry…but I couldn’t. I stumbled backwards unseeingly, desperate to get away from that heart breaking sight and I ended up backing into a piece of furniture. I yelped in fright when I fell over whatever it was that I fell over and the next thing I knew, Taeyeon’s worried face was right in front of mine – mere inches away – all blurry and distorted by my tears.

Sica? Are you alright? What’s wrong? Why are you crying? Are you hurt?’

I’m hurt by a person I least expected to be hurt by…

I’m hurt to a degree that I never thought was possible…

I’m hurt so badly that I may never recover from it…

I’m hurt.

Yes.

I’m hurt.

No, I’m fine. I’m fine. I brought your homework to you.’ I pointed in the general direction of where I thought the coffee table was and she turned to look. That was when I turned away and fled from her apartment before she could stop me.

+

In a restless world…like this is…

Love is ended before it’s begun…

I hugged my knees to my chest as I cried my heart out. Sobs, in incessant supply, wrecked my body as I replayed that scene over and over again in my mind. I was crying so badly that I could barely breathe in between my chest heaving sobs.

And that was when I finally understood why I had behaved the way I did and why I felt all those horrible feelings that consumed me. The reason was clear now—three simple yet utterly devastating words flashed in my tortured mind like a broken neon sign in the dark.

I love Taeyeon.

And I knew then that things would never be the same again. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle the truth. It was too painful to face up to. It was too painful to face up to the reality of not ever being able to have her love me the way I loved her.

So I quit being her friend too.

+

I avoided her like the plague. Better to avoid her entirely than to see her and be reminded of what I saw. That was what I thought. I was convinced.

She tried to talk to me. She tried to. She really tried. But I learnt one more thing about myself – I could be as heartless as stone.

I ignored her completely and over time, she gave up. Perhaps, she didn’t give up. Perhaps, she had finally gotten the message – I did not want to see or talk to her ever again.

+

Two years later –

I was standing on the pavement and waiting for a friend when I collided with a lady. Her books fell onto the ground and it wasn’t until I bent down to pick them up that I found myself face-to-face with her. She looked just as beautiful as before and all the feelings that I had kept hidden in the darkest, deepest recess in my heart sprang forward instantly. It was as though everything had just happened yesterday.

We froze.

It was only for a second but it felt like a lifetime as our eyes met for the first time after more than seven hundred days.

T-Taeyeon?’ I uttered and retracted my hand that was trapped between her book and hand instinctively.

Sica…’ she breathed.

She looked as though she had seen a ghost and for some reason, it hurt.

Taeyeon-ah—’

SICA!’ My friend ran towards me in a hurry. ‘Sorry, I’m late,’ he panted before turning to look at Taeyeon curiously.

Daniel, this is Taeyeon, my friend from high school.’

Taeyeon, this is Daniel, my boyfriend.’

Boyfriend? Huh? Where did that come from?!

I shocked myself with the words I said and it was evident that Daniel was shocked too. But he recovered quickly enough, much to his credit, and he played along despite not having any inkling about what was going on.

Hi, it’s nice to meet you Taeyeon.’ He smiled and shook her hand.

I watched silently as she accepted his offered hand and for a second there, it looked as though she was in pain.

Are you still with Leeteuk?’ I asked her as casually as I could.

She nodded ever so slightly but that was all it took for her to sink my heart once again. Not wanting to show my true feelings, I forced a smile onto my face.

I’m glad to hear that. I’m glad that you’re happy with him.”

Her expression was unreadable as I spoke.

Are you still staying at the same place?’

Yes,” I answered as casually as I could although I couldn’t wait to get away from her again.

I forced myself to laugh and cringed inwardly at the sound of my false laugh. ‘Well, it was great to see you again but Daniel and I have a lunch reservation to get to.’

She smiled wanly and said, ‘Enjoy your lunch date, Sica-ya.” And she waved goodbye to me.

My heart lurched at the sound of my name rolling off her tongue with such familiarity but I flashed my most brilliant smile and waved goodbye before tugging my puzzled friend along with me.

+

I received a letter from her one day, a few weeks after I meet her on the street. I opened it immediately and read it with a wildly thumping heart.

It read:

Dear Sica,

By the time you read this letter, I would probably be on my way to the airport or I might even be on the plane already. I’ve gotten a music scholarship at Berklee and I don’t know when I’ll be back in Korea again.

I know I shouldn’t be telling you this since you already have a boyfriend but call me selfish if you want. I can’t keep it to myself anymore. I haven’t been able to sleep properly ever since I met you on the street that day, so I’m writing this letter to lift the load off my shoulders once and for all (hopefully).

Sica, I love you. I’ve loved you since high school and I still love you today. Yes, I know. I had a boyfriend back then but I only got together with him because you said that you wanted us to be friends forever and you didn’t want anything to ruin our friendship. That’s when I knew that it was impossible between us.

Forgive me, for distancing myself from you. It hurt too much to be so close to you, yet not be able to tell you that I love you. I was falling for you more and more with each passing moment and I knew that I had to stop myself somehow.

Forgive me, for ruining our friendship. That is my greatest regret. I came to realize that I’d rather live with the pain of being close to you than to live with the pain of losing you. But it was too late. What’s done…is done…

I felt like dying when you introduced your boyfriend to me that day. I know that I should be happy for you but I can’t. Please forgive me for being so selfish. Despite how I feel, I still wish for you to be happy. I am truly glad to see your beautiful smile even though it wasn’t for me.

I’m sorry if this letter makes you feel sad. Hate me if you want but the only way I can start my life anew is to tell you everything. That way, I can hope to finally let go and move on.

So I’m saying these words to you for the first and last time.

I love you, Jessica Jung Sooyeon.

Goodbye.

Yours always,

Taeyeon

+

With red and swollen eyes, I drove like a crazed demon escaping from hell, to the airport.

Please…PLEASE…don’t go.

Please wait for me.

Taeyeon-ah…

Taeyeon-ah…

I got to the airport in record time and pulled the handbrake, bringing my car to a screeching halt along the drop-off sign. Not wanting to waste a single second, I dashed into the departure hall as though my life depended on it

+

When I fall in love… It will be forever…

Or I’ll never fall in love…

In a restless world…like this is…

Love is ended before it’s begun…

And too many moonlight kisses…

Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun…’

I was reminded of the song I used to love that I later on stopped singing because of a girl who broke my heart. It was ironic that I was now the one who was breaking her heart.

I ran like a madwoman and attracted many stares but they were the least of my concern. My only concern right now was to make sure that I didn’t lose the love of my life again.

+

TAEYEON-AH!’ I yelled as I ran through the departure terminal, attracting even more stares now. They could stare all they wanted. Like I didn’t care. ‘TAEYEON-AH!!!’

Then, I saw her. There she was, handing her passport over to the guard who guarded the entrance to the boarding gates.

TAEYEON-AH!!!’ I screamed at the top of my lungs.

I saw her turning her head, looking about wildly and I flapped my arms just as wildly to get her attention. It worked because she saw me and our eyes locked gazes as I ran towards her.

Tae…yeon…don’t…go…please…stay…I…love…you…too…’ I could barely speak; I was panting so. I hardly ever ran and this was probably the fastest and longest run I had ever run in my entire life.

What did you say?’ Her eyes were wide open and staring at me in shock.

I said…don’t go…stay…here…’

No, no, no. Not that…’

I said…I love you…too.’

Her mouth opened and closed like a goldfish and it was several moments before I heard a sound from her. It sounded like a choke as though she had tried to speak while swallowing.

Sica…’ was all she could say.

My ability to speak deserted me too as my eyes brimmed with tears once again; only, this time, it was tears of joy. And as I stared into her glistening eyes, I had the sudden urge to sing:

When I fall in love… It will be forever…

Or I’ll never fall in love…

In a restless world…like this is…

Love is ended before it’s begun…

And too many moonlight kisses…

Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun…

When I give my heart… It will be completely…

Or I’ll never give…my heart….

And the moment…I can feel…that you feel…that way too…

Is when I fall in love…with you…

+++

The End

One thought on “When I Fall in Love

  1. ohmy.. this was a really pretty fanfic. you’ve probably heard alot of ppl praise your writing skills and etc etc; but this is really amazing. emotions were really poured into this little oneshot. all of the scenes were captured perfectly and i could literally just imagine it in my mind vividly. aaaaah this was just the most amazing taengsic piece ive ever read ❤ ❤ its amazing and terrifying how so little people have taken a notice into this work of writing; it's fantastic really

This is where you get to say something :D

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s