Taeyeon was thoroughly depressed. Her world was dark. Gloomy. Cloudy. Her shoulders hunched in sadness as she pined for her long lost friend. Her long lost shit.
It’d been three days. Three whole days. 72 hours. 4320 minutes. Shitless. She had no shit. She’d never thought she’d feel this way but she did. She missed her shit. She missed it dearly. But missing it didn’t make it come back. It was still nowhere to be found.
Bananas. There were no bananas in the kitchen. Where were the bananas?
“Sunny, where are the bananas?”
“I ate the last one this morning,” Sunny yelled from her room. “Sorry…”
“It’s okay, I’ll get some more.”
“Okay. And get me some fried chicken while you’re at it. Thanks.”
“I’ll be back soon.”
The grocery store was out of bananas. So was the fruit stand around the corner. Where were the bananas when she needed them?! Maybe the fruit juice stall would have one. At that thought, she headed to the nearest stall, hoping against hope.
“I’d like to buy a banana please.”
“I’m sorry, we’re out.”
Her shoulders sagged even further. Just how hard was it to find a banana?
“Fried chickennn,” Sunny exclaimed upon her return and ran out of her room. But her face fell when Taeyeon raised her empty hands apologetically.
“I’m sorry…I totally forgot.”
“No bananas either?”
“Nope.” Taeyeon pouted and plopped on the couch. “Why am I so unlucky?”
“What do you mean.”
“I need a banana. Badly. But it’s sold out everywhere.”
“Why do you need a banana?”
“Well, you can try apples. Or raisins.”
“Apples or raisins? Do they work?”
“Yeah. You can eat an apple after your meal.”
“But I need to shit now.”
“Now? Why now?”
“I need to test Poo~Pourri.”
Taeyeon leapt up from the couch and ran into her room. She came back out with Poo~Pourri in her hand and a pout on her face. “This. But I can’t test it if my shit refuses to cooperate.”
Sunny took one long look at her and she stared back with sad eyes. Then, with a single twitch of Sunny’s lips, she broke out into wild, insane laughter. The kind that sent her toes into a curling cramp. It was no good. This whole Poo~Pourri testing business was not working out well at all. So with a sigh, she sat on the couch and threw her legs over hysterical Sunny.
“Taeyeon,” Sunny began amidst her bouts of laughter, “I’m sorry…but this is just so funny…” she lapsed into another round of laughs, “why don’t you try a laxative.”
“Those sound scary. What if I get a hurricane diarrhea.”
“Any kind of diarrhea is better than no diarrhea at all.”
Just then, a brainwave hit. “What about you?”
“Me?” Sunny’s eyes grew wide. “What about me.”
“You. You have shit too.”
Taeyeon leapt to her feet and hauled Sunny up. “Let’s go.”
“Wait a minute—”
“Help me. All I need is your shit.”
“Taeyeon, have you gone nuts.”
“I’m not nuts. I’m just desperate. Come on.” Taeyeon tugged Sunny’s arm and dragged her to the bathroom. Then, it was a matter of pouring some Poo~Pourri into the toilet bowl and getting Sunny to do her thing. “I’ll go out and wait.”
“Hold on. Hold on. I can’t just shit like that.”
“Yes you can. You’re Sunny. You can do it anytime, anywhere.”
“What do you mean anytime, anywhere. I’m not a pooping machine. I can’t do it under stress.”
“Well, try to relax. Take your time. I’ll be outside.”
Taeyeon didn’t wait. She exited and shut the door even before Sunny could complete her sentence.
The door finally opened, many eons later, just as Taeyeon was about to barge into the bathroom to find out what was happening.
“Did you? Did you?”
Sunny looked immensely relieved as she nodded and Taeyeon shrieked with joy. She dashed into the bathroom and took a deep breath. Wow. All she could smell was the mild pleasant odor of Poo~Pourri. Poo~Pourri worked. Poo~Pourri worked! Unbelievable. That meant she was ready to move in with Tiffany!
Taeyeon smiled as Looberated loaded on her screen. She clicked on the thread she posted and looked for Shining_Bliss. She clicked on the username, opened up the message box and typed.
Hi, I would like to thank you for linking me to Poo~Pourri. I bought a bottle and tried it. It works! My problem is solved and now I’m ready to move in with my girlfriend. I’m so happy. Thank you very much!
Sent with a click, Taeyeon smiled and headed to class.
Taeyeon looked away from the less than inspiring lecturer’s notes and checked her email.
New comment on your thread: Help! My shit stinks : (
A simple tap led her to the comment.
Welcome to the Looberated ( :
Wow, you’re so considerate. Your girlfriend is such a lucky girl to have someone like you. If you need help with any other loo-related issues, I’ll be glad to help. Poo~Pourri~
Her lips curled into a wide smile. Shining_Bliss was such a godsend.
Your Poo~Pourri recommendation is the best thing ever. It took me a while to thank you because I was constipated and couldn’t try it.
It didn’t hit her until she’d sent the message. Had she said too much? Telling a stranger about her constipation felt a little odd. But it was strangely liberating too. It was alright, she supposed. Besides, Shining_Bliss was such a nice person.
Oh no…are you still constipated? I hope not. Drink more water if you still are.
I’m still constipated but I’ll do as you say.
Great! Water will help to move your bowels. Don’t worry you’ll be unconstipated soon ( :
I sure I will. : )
By the way, will you be moving soon? There are many things you can do to clean up your toilet before moving in. I’ll be happy to teach you a few.
Oh, please teach me.
You can start with baking soda. Pour it into your toilet bowl. Brush and flush after a few minutes. And don’t forget to clean your toilet brush. Bleach after using it, then rinse. Also, always close the lid before you flush.
I’ll do all that. Thanks for your advice : )
You must love your girlfriend a lot to be doing so much for her.
I do. Even if she’s a little scary at times. Hee.
Haha! She’s scary? Does she scold you?
She scolds me sometimes. And recently, she scolded someone in a restaurant.
The reply took a while.
Taeyeon took a deep breath and sent the whole story in a single paragraph.
This time, the reply came even later than before.
So you think your girlfriend is scary huh.
Yeah : s
Have you said anything to her?
I dare not. But it’s ok. I’m safe now. She won’t be able to smell my shit anymore so I won’t be scolded because of it again.
So you’re using Poo~Pourri to hide your shit from your girlfriend?
Yeah. I don’t want her to breakup with me because my shit stinks.
I see. Good luck then.
Something didn’t seem right with the previous message. It was short and felt a little cold. But Taeyeon sent her thanks anyway. Shining_Bliss was such a wonderful person.
Tiffany had given notice to her landlord and had begun packing her things. Taeyeon planned to help her out in the afternoon before heading to Bau House for her evening shift and they were making good progress as the afternoon passed. Tiffany’s clothes and school stuff were packed into boxes and Taeyeon couldn’t help but gawk at her entire drawer full of lingerie. Not to mention, the leopard print set.
“Do you remember this?” Tiffany dangled the leopard print bra before her wide open eyes.
“Do you want to see me in it again?”
Taeyeon didn’t trust herself to speak. But her head nodded, taking the initiative to convey her wish, and Tiffany stood with the bra dangling on her finger.
“Let me thank you for helping me to pack.”
Taeyeon could hardly breathe as Tiffany stripped down to nothing in front of her and put the leopard print lingerie set on. What was life? This was the life.
She was still gawking when Tiffany straddled her thighs and hugged her close. “Like what you see?”
“Tell me honestly. Am I scary to you?
“Mmm…” Her eyes were focused on Tiffany’s…
“Do you know what I’m talking about?”
Taeyeon shook her head. She had no idea. How was she supposed to have any idea when Tiffany’s booming assets were presented in such a seductive leopard print push-up package?
“What have you been up to recently?”
“Are you keeping something from me?”
Taeyeon blinked, her mind was blank. Keeping…something? “I…”
“Are you constipated?”
“Huh?” How does she know that?!
“You don’t know who you’ve been talking to, do you.”
She shook her head, agape. A really bad premonition had begun to loom over her but she hoped desperately that her gut feeling was wrong. Wrong, please let it be wrong. Please, please, pleaseee…
“I know who you are, HurricaneDiarrhea.”
Her entire world darkened in that instant, gloom sucking every bit of light there was and locking all of it in a deep, dark vault, never to be released ever again. HurricaneDiarrhea. That was her username on the forum. The only person she’d spoken to was Shining_Bliss…but she’d told Shining_Bliss…everything…